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Oct. 26th, 2001 04:39 pmI'm not even going to go into detail right now. I feel like dying. Literally. I am in the most depressed mood, I feel like crying, I have a headache, my stomach hurts, I'm tired, in a bitchy mood, and I just want to die.
I wish I could. It would be easier. Just to not live and all. It sounds so peaceful.
...I think I'm going to see a therapist. Because, on this one test thing I took at school, it says if you've been depressed for more than 2 weeks, you need to get help. I've been like this for about 6 months, I think. But I wonder if therapy could help the state I'm in. But I guess, with only me to comfort myself when I'm sad isn't helping very much. Considering I only talk negatively to myself. Whenever I do something wrong, I have to scold myself and get angry. I treat myself as if there's two of me. A brain, and then the body. I feel as if I'm the brain scolding the body. And when I do something wrong, me, as the brain, thinks the body (myself) deserves to be punished. I like to see myself suffer.
And yet, at times, I hate to see myself suffer. I don't know what to think anymore. My mind is so complex. Always thinking. It won't leave me alone. My thoughts are really starting to bother me. I want them to all go away. But I can't. Because I'm *stuck* with myself.
I almost think it would be better for *myself* to be dead. Because, well, I wouldn't have to live with myself. I'm making myself unhappy by forcing myself to live with myself.
...Is this making *any* sense whatsoever??
I'm cold. I need a blanket....
I wish I could. It would be easier. Just to not live and all. It sounds so peaceful.
...I think I'm going to see a therapist. Because, on this one test thing I took at school, it says if you've been depressed for more than 2 weeks, you need to get help. I've been like this for about 6 months, I think. But I wonder if therapy could help the state I'm in. But I guess, with only me to comfort myself when I'm sad isn't helping very much. Considering I only talk negatively to myself. Whenever I do something wrong, I have to scold myself and get angry. I treat myself as if there's two of me. A brain, and then the body. I feel as if I'm the brain scolding the body. And when I do something wrong, me, as the brain, thinks the body (myself) deserves to be punished. I like to see myself suffer.
And yet, at times, I hate to see myself suffer. I don't know what to think anymore. My mind is so complex. Always thinking. It won't leave me alone. My thoughts are really starting to bother me. I want them to all go away. But I can't. Because I'm *stuck* with myself.
I almost think it would be better for *myself* to be dead. Because, well, I wouldn't have to live with myself. I'm making myself unhappy by forcing myself to live with myself.
...Is this making *any* sense whatsoever??
I'm cold. I need a blanket....
