(no subject)

[sarchan]

I'm not even going to go into detail right now. I feel like dying. Literally. I am in the most depressed mood, I feel like crying, I have a headache, my stomach hurts, I'm tired, in a bitchy mood, and I just want to die.


I wish I could. It would be easier. Just to not live and all. It sounds so peaceful.


...I think I'm going to see a therapist. Because, on this one test thing I took at school, it says if you've been depressed for more than 2 weeks, you need to get help. I've been like this for about 6 months, I think. But I wonder if therapy could help the state I'm in. But I guess, with only me to comfort myself when I'm sad isn't helping very much. Considering I only talk negatively to myself. Whenever I do something wrong, I have to scold myself and get angry. I treat myself as if there's two of me. A brain, and then the body. I feel as if I'm the brain scolding the body. And when I do something wrong, me, as the brain, thinks the body (myself) deserves to be punished. I like to see myself suffer.

And yet, at times, I hate to see myself suffer. I don't know what to think anymore. My mind is so complex. Always thinking. It won't leave me alone. My thoughts are really starting to bother me. I want them to all go away. But I can't. Because I'm *stuck* with myself.

I almost think it would be better for *myself* to be dead. Because, well, I wouldn't have to live with myself. I'm making myself unhappy by forcing myself to live with myself.


...Is this making *any* sense whatsoever??


I'm cold. I need a blanket....

Comments

[iluvfriedchcken.livejournal.com]

What you're saying totally makes sense. You have no idea how lucky you are to know things like how you feel that your brain is scolding your body and that you realize that you scold yourself. Elsewise you would feel almost as if you deserve the pain, which you don't. The first step to feeling better is to figure out what's bothering you. And talking to someone may help. You can talk to me if you wanna, I've been this way before. TTYL....Bai bai.